I have felt very lonely lately. Not when I am with Charlie, but pretty much every other moment has been a hollow one. I can't stand to be here at home alone unless I am asleep, and the drive to and from work is often intolerable. Something about springtime weighs my heart down.
I will turn 22 next month. Every birthday since I turned 18 has been vaguely-to-massively shitty, and I hoped this year will be different. I don't really feel like I have available friends anymore, so I don't really feel like it would be good to try to have any sort of get-together. When Charlie and I hosted a house-warming party, we had only 6 people show up, and they were all at least 2 hours late. Not only would it end up being Charlie's friends coming to "celebrate" with me, but they would certainly bail out at the last minute or show up hours late. It's no one's fault, but it depresses me, and I don't think I am going to make plans to celebrate this year.
Last spring/summer, my two closest friends from Paul Mitchell graduated 4 months earlier than I would have, and I felt very alone at school. In Hiram, one of my best friends moved to Toledo, and the other two best friends delved into drugs and alcohol in a dangerous way that left me very alienated. As a result, I feel like spring and summer stick in my mind as being traumatic, loss-focused times, and I am trying to not let myself slip into a depressive rut just remembering those bad feelings. Abandonment? I just don't know how much of it is up to me and how much of it is brain chemicals. I'm trying.
Other things I hate about spring and summer: the sound of lawn mowers and the smell of cut grass mixed with gasoline, humidity, picnic holidays (Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, etc.), summer beers, tank tops and shorts, allergies, and deciding between air conditioning and windows-down in my car.
Tomorrow, Charlie and I will have been together for 6 months.